Sunday, December 10, 2006

Twilight Season

I hate evening since I was a kid.

Evening is the transition line between day and night. It represents the end of a day.

It damps me everytime the blue sky is blended with with egg-yolk yellow and redish orange. It's like the night taking over the day. The darkness taking over the light. It reminds me of how fast time has passed, and how insufficient time is.

This feeling was even stronger if the day was wasted - which means instead of doing things I was supposed to do (for examples playing in the field, meeting up with frens, finishing my homework, watching the cartoon, cycling with the gang, playing hide and seek), I did something else which I didn't want to do initially (for example sleeping)

For me, if a day is not spent contented or meaningful enough, then the evening will be a combination of regret and guilt.

I remember there was once when I was still a kid, I woke up in the twilight hour, as my afternoon nap turned into a long sleep accidentally. I walked out of my house to the field. It was supposed to be a day (a friday i guess) that all the kids in the area will come out to have soccer, hide n seek, catching fish, or cycling. But I saw no one on the field. Perhaps it was after 7 and everyone went back for dinner. I couldn't imagine how much fun i missed n I slept away one day of good memories with all my frens. I looked at the sun setting down, the skies turning dark, and my tears started to roll down my cheeks, before I realized I was crying because a day in my life was wasted, unconsciously.

n I started to understand the meaning of guilt and regret.

December is the twilight season of the year. It reminds me of how a year is spent. Did I do things that I was supposed to do? Did I miss out all the fun in life? Did I make any progress in watever things i was doing? Did I advance to be a better person? Did I enjoy the year? Did I have some new frens some new relationship?

Most of the time, it always depresses me. It seems like I missed out so many things in life that I lost the pieces of the puzzle n I couldn't assemble a complete picture of my life.

There were so many holes and cracks in my life. It's so hollow.

I hate evening.

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